


Things left unsaid — Supernatural coda 11x22 and 11x23

by Swax



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Castiel-centric, Coda, Gen, Missing Scenes, My First Fanfic, POV Castiel, Supernatural Coda, Supernatural episode s11e23, canon!verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-08-09 06:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7791265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swax/pseuds/Swax
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just a simple coda about the conversations that didn't happen in Supernatural 11x23.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cas is back

**Author's Note:**

> Please be aware that this is my VERY FIRST ATTEMPT at a fanfiction, so all constructive, (yet indulgent), remarks are welcome! Also, just know that I'm not a native speaker so anything that sounds weird, please flag... Thanks!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is strictly following the episode. (No but, really! You can read it and watch scenes from the episode at the same time)

A pat on the shoulder.  
He opened his eyes.

The hunter was looking at him, worried. And for the first time in months, he was looking back, with his own eyes, not clouded by Lucifer’s presence.  
“Dean” Castiel said in his usual hoarse voice. The hunter realised his best friend was back and in a split second his expression shifted.  
“Cas!” he exclaimed, looking concerned. “Hey, is that you?”  
“Lucifer is gone” the angel simply replied. A furtive yet relieved smile crossed Dean’s face. Castiel went on “Amara ripped him from my body”.  
“To where?”, Dean asked .

Castiel genuinely had no idea. He was only glad he wasn’t sharing his body anymore. Dean helped him stand up, the angel took a few steps and there he saw his Father, lying on the floor.

It was the first time he was seeing Him through his own eyes. He couldn’t actually believe it. Castiel had been searching for his Father for six years, roaming the world, and there He was. Chuck. The Lord, His Father, was the so-called prophet, Chuck. Small and vulnerable, Chuck.

And He was dying.

***

Back at the bunker, when Chuck nearly fainted in Sam’s arms, Cas tried to help but he could hardly hide his annoyance. He didn’t want to feel this way, and maybe it was remnants from Lucifer’s resentment, but truth be told: he was pissed.

He followed Sam and Dean in the kitchen. Cas was here now and he had felt so out of it, he wanted back in, urgently. But Dean just stood there drinking his beer. Yet again Castiel felt powerless, useless.  
Finally, Dean talked to him, asking him to join on a grocery mission, that wasn’t much but he knew he needed some time alone with the hunter. He would have time to speak with his Father later, right? Right.

***

Riding in the Impala, that was something he had missed. The familiar smell of leather, the soothing sound of the purring engine, and Dean. He had missed Dean. He had craved a conversation between the two of them, and now that it was happening, he couldn’t help but feel terrified. Nevertheless, as usual, he was sporting that ever-stoic face of his.

Cas glanced at Dean when he wasn’t looking, and when he turned his face back on the road the hunter’s stare was like a burn. He was feeling so much shame for his actions that he was dreading his best friend’s judgement. He knew it was coming. Of course, Cas didn’t realise that the long look from Dean was full of concern, not accusations, but he was so consumed by his own guilt that he couldn’t even recognise worry in his friend’s eyes.

“How you doing? You good?” the hunter asked. Cas couldn’t take it, how could Dean be asking that, after everything he had done? He tried to avoid his stare and looked out the window, at the passing landscape. “I mean, you know the whole Lucifer thing,” Dean continued.

Cas felt a sting in his heart. He let out a bitter sigh. “I was just… So stupid”, he said with remorse. “ _I’m so sorry_ , _Dean_ ,” he thought, but the words didn’t come out. He was trying his best to hold back tears.

“No, no no,” Dean interrupted, “it wasn’t stupid you were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun. I mean, me and Sam wouldn’t have done that.”  
_Much good it did us_ , thought Castiel angrily. “Well it didn’t work”, he said instead. And again, because he couldn’t meet his friend's gaze, he looked out the window.  
“No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up,” Dean said. Cas felt ashamed once again, “I was just trying to help,” he tried to explain.

When Dean told him that he did help, Castiel’s heart sank. How could had he been helping? Him? The expendable angel? The one no-one cared about, the one who was, to Amara’s own words “not even worth the effort” to be killed.

“You know, sometimes, me and Sam have got so much going on that...we forget about everyone else,” Dean said.

Another sting to the heart. Of course they forget about everyone else, how couldn’t they?

“Well, you do live exciting lives,” he said bitterly with a fake smile.

  
“ _What am I to you? The broken angel always in the way?”_  he thought. Amara was right he was full of self-loathing. And just like that Ambriel angel said: he definitely wasn’t the hero in this story. For a fleeting moment, fighting side by side with the Winchesters, he had thought he was being mighty and powerful. He used to be a strong ally, but he had fallen, had done terrible things, and had nearly killed them both, on many occasions. He wasn’t worth a thing. He should have killed himself a long time ago when he was still brave enough to do so. Way before this whole mess with Lucifer.  
But now he was just too scared to die. That was it. He was an expendable useless coward baby in a trench-coat. How Dean could even talk to him at that moment was beyond his understanding.

Dean’s voice pulled him out of his internal monologue: “But you're always there, you know?”.  
Castiel looked over to Dean still not daring to meet his eyes. “You're the best friend we've ever had,” the hunter continued.

  
Castiel didn’t make a sound, didn’t move. Those were the words he needed to hear, but they didn’t make him feel better. He just reflected on the many different ways he had let them down, or even betrayed them, over the past years. One hell of a friend he was.

  
“You're our brother, Cas. I want you to know that.” Dean finished.

  
Cas was on the verge of tears, not exactly knowing if he felt happy or sad. He replied a mere yet heavy “Thank you”, full of meaning, but he didn’t know if the hunter had caught up on that.

He wanted to add something, there was so much left unsaid. He meant to tell him how he felt, but he knew that if he let it out he might just not be able to stop, pouring his heart out and breaking down.

Dean phone rang anyway and the moment was gone, they had to hurry back to the bunker.

***


	2. Conversation with God

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas finally gets to have the heartfelt conversation he needed to have with his Father

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So the first chapter was basically me getting started and seeing how I dealt with the whole writing a fanfic thing. But now this is the part that really had me wanting to write this in the first place. I wrote this in one 5 hours long sitting... Apparently I was more inspired than I thought...  
> Oh and sorry, the chapters are definitely not well balanced as this one is twice as long as the first one. I hope you'll like it anyway!
> 
> Then again, I need your constructive remarks, that's my first fic.

While everyone was busy raiding Hell, Heaven and Waverley Hills sanatorium, Cas just stood there not daring to move, God merely a few feet from him. It was eating him up. His absent Father was not absent anymore, but He wasn’t even acknowledging Castiel’s presence.

Rowena had retired to another room to get some concentration before the final attack. It was only him and God now. It was time.

Cas pulled a chair from the main table and sat beside Chuck, looking at Him from the corner of his eyes, trying to read Him discreetly. “ _B_ _ut how do you even read God?”_  he thought.

Castiel remembered the conversation his Father had had with Lucifer while the latter was still possessing his vessel. He remembered how frustrated yet overflown with love his brother had felt. Lucifer wasn’t lying: he loved their Father more than anything, Castiel had felt as much. But he also had felt the hatred and despise against the human race that corrupted his brother’s heart. And to be fair, if it wasn’t for that hatred against humans, much to his despair, Castiel’s feelings didn’t differ much from Lucifer's. He was angry and he needed explanations.

He turned to Chuck, opened his mouth, but closed it immediately. He didn’t even know how to address this distant Father he had never actually met.  
God was the first one to break the silence: “Nice to finally meet you in the flesh, Castiel,” He said.  
Cas didn’t know what to say, he was so full of frustration and resentment, but also overflown with awe.  
“I— Yes. Nice to meet You too—” he paused.  
His Father came to his rescue: “Chuck,” he said smiling slightly, visibly in pain. “Chuck.” Castiel finished.

“I’m guessing you have some questions for me?” God asked with an encouraging smile. “I might not be clear-minded enough to answer them, though. I’m sorry, but I'm, well, dying.”

 _“Already with the excuses_ ”, Castiel couldn’t help but think. A shadow crossed his face and Chuck raised an eyebrow. _“And now He saw that,”_  the angel thought angry at himself. He wondered if God could hear him think. But if He could, He pretended not to. He was letting Castiel some time to adjust and gather his thoughts.

So, strenuously, the angel started to speak. “I am honoured to meet You, Father—Chuck--But yes I do have some questions.” _“_ _And I hope Your answers will be satisfying”_ , he added mentally.

“Listening”, Chuck said calmly, without losing his kind smile even though it was obvious He was in pain.

“I need to understand. . .  ** _Why?_** _”_ Castiel asked more desperately than he had meant to. He pulled himself together and kept on. “Where were You— No. I **_know_** where You were, but why didn’t You show yourself? I spent time with You, hell, I died protecting You and You didn’t even come clean!”

“I know Castiel, but didn’t I resurrect you? That was my way of thanking you and proving to you I was there!” Chuck replied. The angel scoffed, for which he received an interrogative look from his Father.

“I didn’t ask for You to bring me back! It was even worse, I knew You were there, but You didn’t budge!” he said raising his voice. “All I needed at the time was help from God, from the Almighty One. I searched the entire world for You, I even borrowed Dean’s amulet in the hopes that maybe, **_maybe_** , I would find You. And You just— what? Turned it off?”

Chuck was about to reply, but Castiel was too well on his way to stop there. He felt a wave of reproaches too long cooped up, crashing in his mind.

He went on: “When every angel in Creation believed You were dead or had left the building, I was the only one to still have faith. I was sure, if we just could reach out to You, You would help because I thought You were good. When Sam and Dean went to Heaven and talked to Joshua, I thought maybe You’d do something. I couldn’t believe You cared so little about Your Creation! And even then, I thought Joshua was lying!”

Cas took a sharp deep breath. He hadn’t meant to sound so bitter, but he actually was, and if God couldn’t take it, if He wanted to smite him right here right now, then so be it. He had already lost everything. _Almost everything_ , he thought.

But the smiting didn’t come. Chuck smiled fondly. “I know all of that Castiel. And I am, you know.” It was Cas’s turn to raise an eyebrow, “Good. I am Good” He clarified.  
Castiel looked away with a smirk.

“But I also remember you calling me a son of a bitch,” said Chuck more amused than angry.

Cas lowered his head in shame.  
“I was hopeless, I thought You weren’t listening—” he started.  
“You should have known better Castiel,” God replied as fondly as before.

But that actually fuelled Castiel’s frustration.

“I should have known better?! How?!” he erupted. “You clearly weren’t listening! Where were You when I needed You most? When I was about to raid Purgatory? I made a mistake taking in Leviathans along with all those souls. You should have stopped me! I **_needed_** You! I did what I did— I destroyed everything because of You. Or the lack of You, really!” the angel had said this last sentence gritting his teeth trying his best to hold back tears.

“Castiel you can’t blame me for you misguidance—” Chuck started calmly, almost whispering, trying to push the pain the away.

“Actually I can,” Castiel interrupted angrily, not realising he was raising his voice again.

  
“I prayed to You, over and over again, asking for advice. Begging for a sign and nothing came! You must have heard me, I know You have! You knew what was going on! You had Your eyes on me the whole time, because You resurrected me when I died. Every. Single. Freaking. Time. Were You trying to punish or torture me, Father? Surely You were! It was worse every time!” he said reproachfully.

“No Castiel, I wasn’t punishing you” replied Chuck calmly, “though you actually would have deserved that. How many of your brothers and sisters have you killed, exactly?” Chuck asked.

  
And as the angel was about to answer or apologise, God raised His hand.

  
“No need to tell me, I know. You were wrong in so many ways, Castiel. And I had hopes for you too! That’s why I rebuilt you again and again and again. I love you Castiel I love you like I loved—love–- Lucifer. Both of you, my favourites. But you were as foolish as he was!”

Cas couldn’t utter a single word, he was astounded. Chuck couldn’t have hurt him more if He had stabbed him with an angel blade. He had said He loved him, which actually no-one had ever told him before, Castiel realised; and the mere thought warmed his heart. But comparing him to Lucifer? His heart sank more deeply than ever.

“I wanted to do **_good!_** ” he exclaimed, “My heart was just. My intentions were good—“ started Cas, but Chuck interrupted him: “And where do good intentions lead, Castiel?” He asked.

But the angel erupted again.  
“While every evil act from Lucifer was out of hatred for humans, my actions were out of pure love! Love for You, love for Your Creations! They are works of art, Father! I see that! And I’ve always seen that!” he exclaimed.

Chuck smiled slightly “Now, now, Castiel, we both know that’s not quite right”.

Cas lowered his head blushing slightly. _Why am I even trying to lie to Him?_ he thought. _God knows all_.  
“Ok, well… Ever since I left Heaven to save the Righteous Man. Ever since I saw his soul shining the brightest among the darkness, the ugly, and dreadful. Ever since I raised him from perdition and walked the Earth for the first time in centuries, I understood the love You had for Humanity. I saw it through Jimmy’s eyes, human eyes, not as a multidimensional wavelength of celestial intent. The souls are by far Your best creation. Even the bees, the flowers, the cats can’t compare to them. I loved it all instantly.” Castiel lowered his head again. “I still do,” he added.

“Well,” God smiled, “That’s good, now we're getting somewhere,” He raised His hand to pat Castiel’s shoulder, but the angel jerked away.

“You abandoned me, Father, along with all Your Creations. But I was the last one to believe in You. To trust You had a plan. And You just didn’t bother,” Castiel said bitterly. “I am—“ he paused knowing the weight of the words he was about to utter. “I am disappointed in You, Father.”

God glared at him and spoke slowly, in pain. He was slowly getting annoyed with that conversation: “I already answered both Metatron **_and_** Dean about all this,” he sighed wearily.

“Well, now You’re answering _**ME**_!” Castiel half shouted.

Chuck stiffened.

“I need answers too! I deserve answers! After everything I did for You! Obeying like a good little soldier, letting Lucifer take control of me so that I could try and do what You couldn’t be bothered to do!” he said both angrily and bitterly.

The lump of frustration, which had been building up in his chest, was threatening to explode in tears at any given time.

“You have to answer me”, he continued more quietly. “Why? Why did You leave, not to ever come back? And why come back now, at the end of all things only to just give up and die on us? You owe me that much,” he said his voice breaking on that final sentence.

Chuck who had remained silent and up straight during His son’s rant wasn’t making a single move. He looked more God-like than ever. And for the first time since the beginning of the conversation, He spoke coldly, methodically.

“Everything you did for me, Castiel? Need I remind you that you’re only an angel? I am God. And even if I’m dying, I am more powerful than you’ll ever be. I didn’t need you to do all this.”

Castiel couldn’t believe it. “ _Well then, if even my own Father, God, thinks I’m useless. . .”_  Castiel tried his best not to break into tears.

Chuck continued as coldly as before, “I don’t **_have_** to answer to you, son. Now, you watch your tone with me. I think I showed you that I cared about you, but you don’t get to demand answers. You’re lucky enough I’m not smiting you right now for your lack of respect.”

The angel's fear was spreading. There He was, this wrathful Father he had heard so much about, and He was getting angry at him.

God went on, “Disappointed in _**me**_? What about me being disappointed in you, Castiel? As I said I had big plans for you, but you failed me, and yet I forgave you over and over again. That’s why I left, I just thought what’s the point? You were supposed to learn and grow up on your own. All of you. Not kill each other and nearly destroy the planet. So, just so we’re clear, after everything you did? Well, you don’t _**deserve**_ anything.”

That last bit broke Castiel. “ _So, both The Darkness and God agree on this. I don’t deserve anything, I’m not worth it_.” A tear slipped down the angel’s face. He looked away.

When he looked back at his Father, his eyes met Chuck’s who was looking at him, but less harshly than before.

“You left me on my own to make bad decisions after bad decisions,” Castiel wiped his tear. “I was just merely trying to restore the balance in Your name. It broke me, You know?” he said. “And I know nobody cares that I’m broken”, he inhaled sharply: remembering those words was still very painful. “And I also know it’s not all about me. I’m one in billions. Hell, I’ve even been called expendable”, he looked away smiling bitterly.

  
“But if I am completely honest, I thought I was special, with You bringing me back all the time”, he clarified. “And then… Then You just left…” he finished, sighing deeply, feeling empty and worn out.

Chuck felt a sting in His chest. He leaned in laboriously to put His hand on Cas’s left shoulder and this time the angel didn’t pull away.

“That’s not what I meant Castiel. You are _**not**_ expendable. I can see you are broken and trust me it breaks my heart too. You are worthy. And I know what I’m talking about: I’m God, for my sake!” He chuckled slightly. He had always thought puns in His name were funny.

Oblivious to the joke, Castiel continued. He had heard his Father, and his heart had swelled in his chest but he had one more question for Him:

“You know I used to feel sorry for Sam and Dean, with that deadbeat ruthless man of a dad? But now I realise I’m in the same boat. All my life, which has been much _**much**_ longer than theirs, I’ve lived without a Father. But I felt different because I had faith in You, in Your better judgement. And I thought You were here, watching over me. But You know what? I’ve now realised I was wrong. I’m as fatherless as the Winchesters, I guess that’s why I feel they’re more of a family to me than my actual celestial one.”

Chuck sat back and smiled warmly as Castiel went on “But really, leaving Your children godless, what was the end game there? What were You sincerely trying to achieve? I’m sorry, I don’t mean to disrespect You, but that’s a dick move and I don’t understand it.”, he said in a weary voice.

  
“To be honest, I thought this was the best idea, leaving you. Leaving all of you.” He paused gathering his thoughts. “How does it go? Give a man a fish and he’ll eat one day, teach him how to fish and he’ll eat every day of his life?”, Chuck quoted.

“I was merely teaching you all how to fish, son, but I guess I should have taught you better. Now Castiel, that parenting method didn’t completely fail. I wanted to teach you to care and love. And if anything, I succeeded. You do care. You care about Sam and Dean, now, as family. Because as that dear Bobby used to say “Family don’t end with blood”. He had used His God-like powers to sound exactly like Bobby, and Castiel heart sank. He couldn’t help but feel that the older hunter’s death was his fault.

“In my absence, you created your own family, all thanks to free will. Now that isn’t so bad, is it?” Chuck asked. He went on: “You’ve done bad things, that’s true, but Castiel, you’ve done good things too. You did very good indeed. And at the end of the day, when all is said and done, you remain the only one who followed my command to love the human race as you loved me. And for that, Castiel, I thank you and I’m so very proud of you.”

A heavy yet comfortable silence fell between the two of them as a weight suddenly lifted from Cas’s chest and he realised he was free from all resentment to be instantly replaced by unconditional love for his Father.

 _Father, is proud of me_ , he thought. And for the first time in months, or maybe years, he genuinely smiled.

“Please, call me Chuck” God said attempting to wink, but wincing instead.

That was the moment Sam and Dean chose to return from Waverley Hills. Everything was now falling into place, and Castiel was more ready than ever.


End file.
